People normally do not abuse themselves. Self-abusing is not encouraged for various reasons.
But it happened once in my life. I profusely abused myself that day. On one point of time, I rather cursed and blasphemed on me for believing a person for whom I had to change my whole course of life.
The small but my career deciding story is related to my college admission day (it was 31st August, 1962).
In the admission hall, when I got the admission form and looked on it, my head started reeling. As if, the entire hall was revolving around me incessantly. I still remember, an eerie sound came out from me unconsciously. The other candidates seated in near by benches started staring at me, shockingly. I kept silent taking the pen in my mouth and casting a sad look at the form, which was lying in front of me, on the desk.
I forgot, about 2 hours’ time, I was sitting in that posture, recapitulating the whole drama happened with me on the previous day. The head clerk (in those days office assistants were called clerks) of the college came and enquired, why was I so late in submitting my form. I could reply him except an unwanted jerk in my heart which came out through my eyes, as tears. He could understand nothing but left me.
My mind again went back to the previous day, when the particular person betrayed me. He betrayed me for life.
I passed the Matriculation Examination with very good marks. The aim of my life was to become a doctor. For that I had to take admission into science discipline. Everything was favourable. But when I saw the admission form, the admission fee for Science Group was Rs.70.00 and for Arts Rs.62.00. I had only Rs. 62.00 at my pocket. What to do? I abused myself profusely; because I believed that person who betrayed and cheated me, previous day.
In fact, I was to get Rs.150.00 from him, which he took from me earlier. That was my legitimate money to get from him. On my persistent insisting also he was dilly dallying to the last moment. I believed him. On the previous day he gave me Rs.12.00 only. He left, keeping me in a total disastrous position. My mother gave me Rs.50.00.
From my village to the college (about 12 km) I went on foot.
Therefore, at college I had Rs,62.00.
Finally, at afternoon, I thought, I was not destined to science stream. I got admitted to Arts, paying Rs.60.00. and with heavy heart I left the college.
On return, the whole road of 12 km, I kept abusing myself; nobody else. Because, I believed that person, whom I should not have. And I still feel, it was he, who was responsible for changing my course of life.
Satyakam, sorry friend, I took much of your time.
Answered by
Ramcharan
at
9:49 PM on July 05, 2008